I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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