We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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