I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
