Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
