i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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