remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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