So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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