dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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