Pappa wants mamma naked
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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