cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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