I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I supernannyed him into submission
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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