You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
