She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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