She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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