Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
