This is not my ceiling
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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