my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
