It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
