You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
