got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize