I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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