I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize