no, he came in my armpit
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
