I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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