So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
