all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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