6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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