I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
