I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Vodka?
Forever.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
