Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
