seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
