dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
