just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
