please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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