i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I checked into jail on foursquare
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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