The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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