im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
