I only kidnapped one of them. chill
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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