I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
