I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
