so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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