me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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