He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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