I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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