U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
