I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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