we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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