a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
