There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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