She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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