Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
