sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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