yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
