Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
