WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
