I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my being single is dangerous.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
