she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
