i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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