Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
