im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize