I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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