i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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