So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
