I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize