My liver just broke up with me...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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