Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
