Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
