If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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