So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
