Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
