I wish I could punch you in the face.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
