Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
