Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day

Fav 10 5583 1012
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(626): View more from California

It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.

Fav 17 7100 1201
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(307): View more from Wyoming

there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends

Fav 26 6902 1280
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.

Fav 6 3177 890
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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.

Fav 6 2233 935
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(316): View more from Kansas

If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.

Fav 0 797 532
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(619): View more from California

Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?

Fav 5 109 216
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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh god establish a safe word

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to! Pineapple.

Fav 1 56 5
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