i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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