i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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