I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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