Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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